Life is ok

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Life is getting better

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I’m living. Being in the present moment is ALL I can do, its the key to truly mastering time and my thoughts. Today at 4:50 pm, my usual time I walk out of the museum (where I work) to dump the trash in the dumpster, I encountered an older black man.  As I walked, in a rushing manner, (due to it being Friday and just wanting to get out of work already) I heard a voice say “slow down,” I immediately looked up and saw this older black man’s reality check kind-of-face looking at me. He was wearing an old looking 70’s suit with his arm over his shoulder carrying a jacket that hung over his shoulder. He looked somewhat poor. I said in reply, “I just want to get out of work already.” He say’s in a straight forward and calm way, “you’ll get there. Just relax. Don’t you want to get there in a relaxed manner?” I smiled and lightly said yes as I walked away, a little slower this time, still heading to the dumpster. So I continued walking slower and noticed the dumpster felt further this time. I thought to myself how I really was missing the moment. I was so wrapped up in fast walking to quickly finish what I need to do to get home that I missed the beautiful sunset and sounds of life.

I guess the universe is looking out for me.

Thanks Dad. :)

Life has been such a bitch lately. I’ve never experienced a more difficult time in my life. My dad died almost three months ago, I moved far from my family for school, my boyfriend broke up with me, and I’m in a completely new living situation. No appetite, puffy eyes.

Nevertheless, I’ve learned and developed new resources. Meditation, tracking, and resourcing (look it up) practices. Other then that, music and art is my default. I realized its just me, myself, and I in this crazy world..oh yea and God. 

What a life.

Gotta keep going. There’s really no other choice for me because I’m all about chasing and reaching my dreams. Life is going to hurt sometimes and I’m learning to be ok with that. I’m trying to tap into my higher self. I realize that when I overcome this I can get through anything. As I get older and go through challenges and major life changes, I grow more and more into my warrior self. I’m ok with that.

To update, my father has passed about one month, two weeks, and two days ago; July 30, 2012. It was a very unexpected event. It was so difficult for me to plan his funeral, be at his viewing and be at my father’s funeral. I loved my father very much, I was daddy’s girl. There is no one or nothing that can replace his presence. I truly hated the fact that my father passed; I’m trying to accept it, slowly. Since February, my life has been one big blur, a movie that I watched my family and I go through. My father had a far developed brain cancer and survived for 5 months since his diagnosis. How does one even comprehend the concept of your most loving parent being alive for only a few months after they were just diagnosed? I am still in shock. I know the end of our time will come one day and I am at peace with knowing I already have my dad waiting for me in paradise.   

I will always be heart broken from this experience

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Then again, love never dies.

Is acting and interacting with a conscious mind an experience that one can eventually have everyday?

To my understanding, meditation is key. I have a class assignment to meditate three times a week. Besides this activity, another assignment was to push an existential re-set button on and shift your attention as if you’re encountering something for the first time, and no one else knows but you. It can be a re-set button on a relationship, activity, or place. Don’t introduce yourself, for example to your significant other or else they’d catch on.

Try it. I dare you! It is the most enlightening experience ever.

Here is my reflection of my experience. Read up!

“This activity made me very aware of my daily interactions and actions. I feel that my unconscious actions were starting to become habitual and I don’t enjoy the same experience, all the time. I “renewed my attention” with my significant other and during this experience I felt shy, reserved, and curious. It felt like the first time we started dating and the “new feeling” during this exercise was enjoyable. I noticed that my “renewed” interactions are very different from my adaptive unconscious interactions. It is an enlightening feeling to become conscious of my interactions and actions because I am more aware of my attitude and behavior. It feels like I am watching myself act in this experience.

            The next activity I did was using my phone. I pretended not to know how to use my phone. I felt very interested in all the different things I could do with my phone. I was curious about what else it could do and messed around with all the different buttons. I didn’t perceive it as an object where I could go on any social media sites and be distracted with it for hours. I separated myself from that idea and felt it was a communication tool. I was aware of how advanced technology is and appreciated that I had this device in my hand.  

            This activity was very powerful because I felt aware of my every action. I am now conscious of what is going on around me as well as what I say and do. This is an activity that will especially help me during a more challenging time, for example when I experience stress. To sum up, I am aware of how being conscious is important to anyone living.”

I hope this is something you can try on your own to become conscious*

Today I received a phone call from my very good friend Marci. We caught up for a short minute but her main reason for calling was to make sure I was ok- going through my dad’s journey of cancer. It was a great feeling to know that I am truly loved by my friends. I realize that I don’t have to be so closed about sharing my family situation with my close friends. Sure its not the best news in the world, but…its really close to me. I am changing and growing by the second. This journey might be a little more tolerable if my friends were just as involved in my life. These are the moments that count.

Cancer has become such a huge part of my life because my dad suffers from a rare and very aggressive cancer of the brain: glioblastoma. He has experienced three surgeries so far and as of today it is his second day of radiation. My dad will start his chemotherapy treatment later today. I have seen my father go through, what looks like so far, the worst. From not being able to walk, eat, swallow, and sleep to oversleeping, vomiting, memory loss, slight seizures, immense headaches, falling, and tears-just to name a few. Life has never seemed so hard and in such a short amount of time.

I pray and hope chemotherapy will be gentle with my father and to us.

On the bright side, my family is trying to transition my father into a diet of high alkaline, anti-inflammatory, and organic foods. Therefore, my whole family eating more vegan recipes. :)

Lastly cancer, no matter what, we’re not giving up.

I cannot even begin to focus on my career path because of what life throws at me. I have fear, so much fear, of what the future holds. I am scared. I never thought this could happen to my family. Growing up I never imagined my family going through such a difficult time, like now. I never thought cancer would be among my family- the very thought is foreign-yet so close and already grown to the worst -stage 4. I try to have faith. I hear so many success stories of friends of friends who are cancer survivors. Then I have a close friend whose mother just died of cancer- I went to her funeral a few days ago. There is no telling of what the future holds for my father, a newly diagnosed cancer patient.

Why the person that I called my hero growing up? Why the person that I called my “partner for ever” and still do? Why him? The only person who understood me most in my family. Why now?

Maybe I need this experience to wake myself up to the universe and to God and to  appreciating everyone and everything. Maybe I need this experience to help me grow into an even more loving being to push me more into the light. 

…This kind of suffering is hard. I know this is where I’m supposed to be but life isn’t easy, its hard. I know when this is all over I will take something so great away from this. But for the time being, my tears are like waterfalls.

So much has changed in the last month. I resigned from my school administrative job and started taking art classes (twice a week). I’m completely lost in terms of my career goals-I’m really freaking out. I just found out my dad fainted this morning and that his condition is serious. I had a gut feeling that something was wrong or there was going to be a very challenging change coming. I feel this year it going to be the absolute toughest for me. I’m full of fear but I know this is not the way to live or react. 

Life is tough but I still have faith.